The importance of self confidence

Self confidence is a pretty important thing – if you don’t have a good self image then it can impact so many areas of your life. I’m not just talking about whether or not you like your body, I’m talking about how you feel about you. Your whole self.

On a scale of 1 to 10, for a long time my self confidence was about a 3. I hated looking in the mirror (I refused to even be in photos); I treated myself badly with risky behaviour, self medicating with drugs and alcohol, not fuelling my body with nutritious food and not getting medical treatment when I so desperately needed it (I ended up in hospital on more than one occasion); and I was overly critical of everything I did. It’s really hard to live that way – everything was such an effort, and I found it really difficult just living every day. You know when there is a task you don’t want to do, and you procrastinate and do everything you can to get out of doing it? That’s kind of how I was feeling about my entire life.

When I think back about the way I treated myself, it makes me really sad. At the time, I didn’t think anything of it. It was my normal. But honestly, if I saw someone treating a friend how I treated myself, or saw a friend treating herself the way I was? That’s not okay! I would be speaking up, saying hey – that’s not right! So why did I think it was okay to treat myself like crap?

My lack of self confidence was crippling. I’m not just talking about not having the confidence to wear swimwear or rock the heck out of outfits that I loved, things had progressed far beyond that – I’m talking about not putting myself forward for jobs because who did I think I was to think I could do that role? I’m talking about letting myself drown in countless emotionally destructive relationships (both intimate ones and ones with “friends” and family). I’m talking about not thinking I was good enough for anything good.

Luckily for me, I had someone in my life who could see that I was really struggling, and she put her hand out to help me. She made sure I saw a doctor, and started therapy. It took a long time and a lot of therapy to work through my issues, but it was one of the most valuable investments that I’ve ever made in myself – it helped me to realise that I am worth it.

I am worth the time it takes to prepare a healthy, nutritious meal for myself. I deserve the freedom to dress in a way that pleases me, and I do not have to hide my body away. I deserve happy and healthy relationships. I am worth looking after, and visiting the doctor when I am unwell. I deserve to be treated well, by myself and by others. And so do you.

A lack of self-confidence can affect different people in different ways, and this means that there really is no cure-all advice that I can offer. I can, however, share a few tips on what worked for me…

1. Write ONE great thing about yourself on a piece of paper.  Just one. It could be how shiny your hair is, what a great cook you are, how well you did on your performance appraisal or how much you love animals (especially dogs. With really short legs). Just one thing. Put it in a jar (make it a big one). The next day, add another thing. At the end of the year, or when you’re feeling low, tip the jar out and read all of the things you’ve written. Realise how great you really are – all of these little things are what your friends and family see every day, it’s time you saw them too.

2. Surround yourself with good things and good people. Read body positive blogs. Read articles about confidence and self love. Spend time with friends and family that lift you up (and avoid those that bring you down). Treat your body kindly with bubble baths, tasty nutritious food, massages, facials – things that make you feel good and are good for you.

3. Fake it ’til you make it. I used to do some acting (in the theatre, dahhhling!), and I looked at this as like preparing for a role. I imagined a more confident version of myself and I played that character until she became real. Sometimes when faced with a tough situation (and I still do this), I would put myself in the shoes of someone I admired who was confident, successful, glamorous and self assured – everything I wasn’t – and thought “what would they do in this situation?”. Then I would borrow a bit of confidence from them. It may sound silly to some, but it helps!

4. Ask for help. Talk to a friend, talk to your doctor, see a therapist, talk to a kaumatua … reach out to your community and medical professionals, and let them know you’re struggling. If the person you approach doesn’t help, try someone else (I went through a lot of counsellors before I found one that I really clicked with and felt able to talk to).

Remember, you are worth it.

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