Even though it’s 2022 and by now we should all know better, some people insist on making comments about other people’s bodies. How big or small they are, how they’ve changed, unsolicited opinions … yuck. Can we just not? Over the years I’ve gotten better at setting boundaries around how other people talk about my body, and how they talk about bodies around me. Part of this has come around from being a parent, and part of it because I got to a point where I realised that I don’t have to tolerate other people disrespecting my body.
We are heading in to the holidays and some of us will be seeing family members who like to make comments about our bodies. We are also heading in summer in Aotearoa New Zealand, and on top of that a new year. Basically it’s prime time for diet chat, unsolicited comments and general body bullshit.
It’s really uncomfortable hearing family members you love or colleagues you respect talking about your body (or bodies like yours) with disdain. I thought maybe it would be helpful for some people if I shared some of my body boundaries to help you establish your own.
MY BODY BOUNDARIES
Commenting on how my body has changed
This is something I’ve experienced from family members and people I’ve worked with. Usually as a “you look great, have you lost weight?” type of comment (even if my body hasn’t changed at all, which I found weird as a teenager and still do as an adult). We live in a society that is obsessed with weight loss (for example, the weight loss market in the US alone in 2021 was worth more than USD$70 billion), so it’s no surprise that comments praising weight loss are seen (and often intended) as a compliment. But that shit doesn’t fly with me, both because of the implication that I didn’t look great before.
On the flip side, I’ve also had comments that are a little a more snide “those pants are looking a little tight”. Or the super creepy, “you’ve certainly filled out”. Had that a few times when I was a teenager and *vom*. Just no. It’s gross. Why are you so invested in what my body looks like? Please don’t make comments about my body.
Talking about other people’s bodies
I grew up hearing people around me talking about other people’s bodies and it messed with my head a lot. Not only did I think this was normal for a long time, it also made me hyper critical of my own body. Comments about how “that skirt is too short for someone with legs like that” or gossiping about how so and so has lost or gained weight. Or gotten botox. How they’re “looking old”.
If someone makes comments like that about other people, I’m sure they also have opinions about my body that I’m not interested in. Find something else to talk about. We don’t talk about other people’s bodies.
Judgemental comments about what someone is or isn’t eating
Are you really going to eat all that? Gross, I can’t believe you eat pineapple on pizza. A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips! Do you really need seconds? Should you be eating that? Why are you putting tomato sauce on that? I could never eat that much. Are you hungry again already?
Comments about what other people are or aren’t eating, or how much they’re eating aren’t helpful. They can be incredibly harmful to not just the person they’re directed to but also to other people. Especially children – almost all of these things are things that I either had said to me or overheard as a child multiple times. They contributed to me having a really messed up relationship with food for a very long time. As a parent and an aunty, I don’t want that cycle to continue with my whānau. How about you focus on your own plate, hmm?
Talking about diets and food moralising
One of the things I hated the most when I used to work in an office was the diet talk. Not just people talking about whatever fad diet they were on now (yawn), or how much weight they’d lost (double yawn) but the food moralising. Talking about how “bad” they were for eating a piece of cake on someone’s birthday, or how they were having a salad because they were trying to be “good”.
B-O-R-I-N-G! Do you really have nothing interesting going on in your life? Time to get a hobby or read a book or if all else fails, I’d rather talk about the weather. I’m not interested in talking about diets with you.
DEALING WITH THESE COMMENTS
How do you deal with these comments? What comebacks can you use? I’ve got a few tips here that I’ve found pretty handy, like letting them know that what they’re doing or saying is hurting you/is rude/is inappropriate; telling them to mind their own business; changing the subject or walking away, but I’ve also included a few on this page too. I usually either opt for rolling my eyes and walking away, changing the subject or a sassy reply, which are three very different ways of approaching things. It depends a bit on who I’m having the interaction with and whether or not this is the first time I’m having to say something. I can’t remember where I spotted this one but it made me laugh, “If you continue to talk about my body, I’m either going to leave or I’m going to give you an inventory of what I find displeasing about your body and what I don’t like about your personality.” Sassy for sure, but so good. Feel free to leave your sassy comebacks below!
