As a woman*, people seem to think that your body is a free for all discussion topic. They give you their opinion on your weight, on their perception of your health; they share unsolicited “advice” about what you should/shouldn’t be eating, how you should/shouldn’t be exercising, what you’re wearing and how you treat your body in general; and if you are pregnant everyone is going to touch your belly whether you want them to or not. In fact, stories from friends indicate that people might try doing this when you’re not pregnant, just fat. Awkwaaaaard.
I want to start out by saying that unwelcome comments about your body and health are not limited to fat women – but I write about this from the perspective of a woman who is fat. Women of all sizes get comments about their bodies (and their health): there’s catcalling in the street (and on the internet); there are snide comments about how she looks in that red bodycon dress; there are thousands of magazines and websites that pass judgement on women’s bodies every day – too fat, too thin, cellulite, weight gain, weight loss, pregnancy… We need to learn that it’s not okay, and we need to start making a change to the culture we’ve created.
More often than not, these kinds of comments can make us feel like crap. I’ve had times when passing comments from strangers have reduced me to tears … and when it’s my own family? That’s a thousand times worse. So I thought I’d share a few tips I’ve picked up along the way about how to deal with situations like this.
How to deal with unwelcome comments
about your body and health
Situation 1: The Troll
Welcome to the age of the internet, where people make nasty comments about people from behind the safety of their screens. I get people like this on my Facebook page sometimes, but not often (and when I do it gets shut down quick smart – I have a zero tolerance policy for nastiness). Unless you have a public page, you’re probably more likely to encounter trolls on forum sites (hello Reddit…) or on Instagram (where people search through hashtags for the sole purpose of being nasty to others).
Dealing with trolls:
I deal with these people quickly and quietly. Delete the nasty messages, block/report the account that’s sending them, and move on. These “keyboard warriors” are nasty little people who do not deserve your time or your tears, so don’t bother engaging with them!
Situation 2: The Self Proclaimed Expert
This might or might not be someone you know (hello to the stranger at that party who spent half an hour preaching to me about the wonders of Zumba, I’m looking at you!), and they come touting (unsolicited) advice about the latest fad diet or exercise that will help you lose weight/tighten your buns/give you abs of steel. Because as a fat person woman, that’s pretty much what the world expects, that you’re always trying to lose weight, right? It might be that the thing they’re spouting as gospel has worked for them (or someone they know), or perhaps they read about it on the internet. I’ve had this happen to me both in person and online, and it’s all I can do to not roll my eyes. If I want to know about Zumba I will ask (trust me, that’s probably not happening – I’ve tried Zumba and am not a fan), I don’t want a lecture about it while I’m enjoying my cocktail at a party or having a coffee break at work.
Dealing with self proclaimed health experts:
I try to end that topic of conversation as quickly as possible without really engaging them. I’ve found that if you refute or question their knowledge, they argue back – that’s not a situation you want to get into. While I think that discussions about health, lifestyle and exercise are important, unsolicited advice is just that – not asked for. A quick “thanks, I’ll look in to that” or “glad you found something that you enjoy” (depending on the situation) works wonders.
Situation 3: The Well Meaning Friend/Family Member
This is probably the hardest and most delicate to deal with, but also the one we come across most often. People who you really value your connection with, but they keep making unwelcome comments about your health or body, and you don’t want to upset your relationship … but it’s really getting to you. Phrases like “lose weight for your own good” or “I just want you to be healthy and happy” sound nice (and are often intended to be), but can cause you to feel that you are somehow disappointing them or not living up to certain expectations. And then there are the ones who make comments about you having lost or gained weight, about the dress size you’re wearing or even the blunt “you’ve gotten fat” (Janelle Koenig wrote a great post about this)…
Dealing with the well meaning friend or family member:
There are a few ways I’ve dealt with this in the past – some successful and some not so successful. Sometimes I’ve said that while I’m sure their concern is well-meant, my body and health are something that I prefer to discuss with my doctor. Sometimes I’ve let people know that what they’ve said (or how they’ve said it) is hurtful, and other times I’ve bluntly called them out on their rudeness. I think that diet talk, criticism and commenting on other’s bodies seem to be such an ingrained part of our culture that it’s important to speak up and let people know that what they’re doing bothers you and it’s not okay – because they genuinely don’t realise that it’s an issue unless you do. With luck, it’s only a conversation you will have to have once – I’ve had it a number of times with a certain family member, and now I just turn around and walk away when they start talking about the latest diet they’ve read about that they think I should try.
At the end of the day, your body is your body. If you want to be bigger/smaller/stronger/faster/more toned, that’s your business. Talk to your doctor, a nutritionist, a personal trainer … make the most of professionals available to you to achieve your goals. And if you’re perfectly happy with your body? That’s great too! All bodies are good bodies, and deserve to be treated with care and respect – both from yourself and others!
How do you deal with unwelcome comments about your body and health?
*This is something that may affect men too, but I’m speaking from my experience as a woman. I’d love for guys to weigh in on this subject – please feel free to share your thoughts below!
Since I’ve put on a lot of weight, through sickness (now well), I’ve got a lot of discrimination and not minding their own business stuff. They think because I’m nice that they have the freedom to come up to me and say whatever they want (I guess they think I’m an easy mark). They don’t realize how much I despise them for it.
I work in pharmacy and I used to feel terrible whenever I had to ask someone if they were pregnant (for medical reasons), and definitely got some uncomfortable responses from women of all sizes, though they did seem to be more comfortable with big-bellied me asking than some of my thinner co-workers! So these days I preface it with “I have to ask everybody this,” and that seems to help. But it’s a crappy world where so much shame is loaded onto women’s bodies that a direct medical question causes serious anxiety. I know from personal experience that fat people tend to get worse medical care and avoid medical treatment because of it, and I really try not to contribute to that.
Thanks for the post Megan 🙂 Saying it how it really is… or at least how I feel anyway haha
Great post Meaghan – and so relatable for people of all sizes. I love your practical advice, I will have to try the polite shutdown, rather than let it get to me and try to fight back. Another type of comment I’ve encountered is the ‘if only…’ – you have such a pretty face (if only you lost weight) – sometimes the bracketed words are implied but more often than not they are vocalised. You’d be so happy/healthy/smart/beautiful/any other adjective that fat people aren’t allowed to be … if only … . I’ve taken to responding to these with something like ‘thanks I like my face too’ or ‘Thanks of the advice but I’m already very happy/healthy/smart/beautiful/any other adjective that fat people aren’t allowed to be’
Thanks for this post Meagan. The worst comments I cop are from my parents. Mum in particular has spouted some particularly memorable ones. “And lose some weight” yelled across a busy airport departure gate, “you’re not meant to be this big” and “you can’t be happy with how you look” said when things in my life were going very badly. I think that those comments are more a reflection on her than me. I wonder why she isn’t proud of raising an independent, practical daughter. I love reading your blog. Much healthier than listening to mother!
As a big guy, I can absolutely say that we get all of the above. From the “whoa you look different to high school” while staring directly at my stomach (an old school mate I hadn’t seen in years), family members who often engage me about the latest diet they’ve seen advertised in whatever awful womens mag they’ve read it in, to a colleague telling me “aren’t you worried about all the excess skin when you lose weight” despite me never saying I want to lose weight or even being on the subject of weight loss – we were discussing riding bikes and they just assumed it was because I wanted to lose weight, not because it’s a damn fun thing to do!
I’m also reminded of the poor guy who just wanted to dance but was openly mocked so he stopped. Thankfully that had a happy ending, but it still shows this is a pretty unisex problem. I think body shaming is prolific whether you’re a guy or a girl unfortunately.
Love it!!! Thanks Heaps for another great blog post!!! You are a Fabulous inspiration! 🙂