Living with anxiety

Trigger Warning: Mental Health, Anxiety

My anxiety isn’t cute. It’s not a something to be romanticised or played down. It’s not a trend. It can be incredibly debilitating, isolating and frustrating. A lot of the time my anxiety is quiet – from the outside I might look fine but inside I’m so overwhelmed I can’t even manage simple tasks.

I find it really hard to talk about mental health stuff, not because I’m ashamed (well maybe sometimes it’s that), but more because finding the words to describe what I’m feeling is hard. I know, me – a writer – struggling for words, it’s not what you’d expect is it?

Lately my anxiety has been at an all time high, and I find that talking about it can help; teasing those words out and making myself identify and confront what I’m feeling so that I can work through it. And so I decided that this was something I should talk about in a blog post – anxiety is pretty common and if talking about what’s going on with me helps someone else then I’m all for it. It’s important to note that not everyone experiences anxiety in the same way and there different kinds of anxiety – this is just my experience.

At the moment I feel overwhelmed by everything. I think about the work I need to get done; the emails I need to reply to; how I’m going to deal with a future event; the stuff that needs to be done around my house; or even something as seemingly simple as food – not even making a meal, just choosing what I want to eat. I know in my head that making a list of shit that needs to be done and working my way through it is logical … but I still feel so unbelievably overwhelmed because my brain won’t let me stop looking at the big picture long enough to focus on the one thing that is in front of me and requires my immediate attention. Think of it like having hundreds and hundreds of browser tabs open on your computer at the same time, and trying to work on them all at once.

I also have panic attacks, where my brain goes into fight or flight mode. These are often caused by being in situations that trigger my anxiety, and I feel like time slows down and everyone is moving in slow motion. Sounds get both louder and duller at the same time, like a roaring in my ears. I want to be sick, sometimes I am. When it gets really bad it feels like I’m standing under a waterfall – not a nice tropical waterfall but a really heavy one where the water is barrelling down on top of me, and I’m cold and scared and alone. I can’t breathe and I feel like I’m drowning. Does that make sense?

I’ve lived with anxiety and had panic attacks for a really long time, this is nothing new for me. I struggled a lot in my late teens and early 20’s, to the point where something as mundane as going to the supermarket alone were impossible for me (I used to get a friend to do my shopping with me at around 2am – oh what a saviour those 24 hour supermarkets were). It’s overwhelming and it’s exhausting. It can stop me from doing things I enjoy, I cancel a lot of plans because of it, it affects my ability to do parts of my job, and actually really impacts my ability to live my life in a normal way.

I’ve tried medication and also been to therapy to help me work through my anxiety. For the most part it’s really well managed but sometimes (like when I’m stressed or dealing with big changes) it gets the better of me, and now is one of those times. So if I am not posting online quite as much (which you will probably have noticed on my blog this year), or I take a while to reply to messages or emails, it’s probably because I’m taking a step back. If I have to cancel plans at short notice it’s not because I don’t want to spend time with you, it’s because my anxiety is an arsehole.

What helps me manage my anxiety

Just as there are many different ways that anxiety presents, there are lots of different ways of dealing with it. These are a few things that work for me (both short term and long term), but if there is anything I’ve left off here that you find has helped you, please do leave a comment and let me know – maybe it will help someone else!

Breathing – it might sound like a load of wank, but focusing on my breathing really helps when I’m feeling anxious. Taking long slow breaths, thinking about that breath filling and nourishing my body, and noticing how my body feels while I’m doing that is soothing for me, but there are a range of other techniques that other people prefer so I’d recommend doing a bit of research around this.

Exercise – whether it’s going for a walk or working out at the gym, moving my body helps massively with my anxiety. It doesn’t have to be a full on workout, sometimes it helps me to do calming movement like stretching or yoga. There’s a lot to be said for those lovely endorphins!

Grounding – There are a lot of different grounding techniques out there and some things will likely work better for you than others. Some of the ones that work best for me when I’m feeling anxious include going to the beach and walking in the shallows; washing my face and wrists with cold water; and getting in bed and cocooning myself in cosy blankets.

Hibernate – I’m an introvert, and I find big crowds and interacting with other people really draining. I’ve always been this way, and I know that I need to limit (and plan for) these situations. I often hibernate a bit after things that involve being around a lot of people or when I’m feeling anxious and find that really helps me to recharge (and limit the exposure I have to other things that trigger my anxiety).

Managing Stress – I’m not very great at this and I would say this is probably the biggest cause of my anxiety spiralling out of control. When I notice small signs that I’m starting to feel anxious, stress is the first thing I check in on, and I try to reduce it. This can be things like reducing my workload, cancelling plans/saying no to invitations, asking for help with tasks and taking a break from social media.

Recognising Triggers – One thing I’ve learned is that certain situations can really set off my anxiety, it’s like my body remembers previous times I’ve gone into that fight or flight mode and keeps me primed for if it happens again. As I’ve mentioned, the supermarket used to be a massive problem for me, but with help I’ve been able to work through that and most of the time I’m okay (if I’m already feeling very anxious I can’t go to the supermarket though, so THANK GOODNESS for an understanding partner and online grocery shopping). I also know that stress, a messy environment, and spending too much time in busy and noisy places are some of the things that can be a trigger for me, so I try to avoid these situations as much as possible.

Therapy – This is definitely a long term thing, but figuring out what causes my anxiety, what triggers my panic attacks, having someone to talk to about what’s going on in my head and developing methods of coping/dealing with my anxiety has been incredibly helpful for me. I’ve seen quite a few therapists in the past, and it took time to find a therapist I felt comfortable with so if it doesn’t feel right then remember that there may be someone else that is a better fit for you. I started seeing a new therapist this year, and I was referred by my GP via the public health system (which can take a while, I think I was on a waiting list for a couple of months before I saw someone), or if it’s within your budget you can also find someone privately.

Where can I go if I need help or support?

I highly recommend talking to your GP, as they will be able to refer you on to other services like counsellors and mental health professionals in your area. Please note that the numbers below are for New Zealand only, if you live outside NZ then please speak to your doctor about local services available.

Anxiety Line: Call 0800 ANXIETY / 0800 269 4369

Depression.org.nz: Call 0800 111 757, text 4202 or visit their website

Health Navigator: Call or text 1737 or visit their website

Lifeline: Call 0800 LIFELINE / 0800 543 354

The Lowdown: Call 0800 111 757, text 5626 or visit their website

Youthline: 0800 376 633

So that’s where I’m at. I’ve been back in therapy, I’ve been working on using the techniques that I know work for me, and generally trying to practice really good self care while minimising my stress.

Do you have any tips that help you deal with anxiety?
Please share them in the comments below