I spent a lot of time actively working to stop hating my body and start loving it. Loving it right now, as it is, without conditions. Because that’s how body positivity and self love works, right? Well guess what, that is bloody hard! Every time I feel like I am kind of getting there, it’s like running a race and having the finish line move as you get closer.
I thought that I was making great progress. I feel good about myself most of the time, I started experimenting with wearing things I previously didn’t think that I could (like shorts and bikinis), but then things started happening in my life that weren’t in my control and I realised that somewhere along the way I’ve slid back down to the same place of not liking my body, not being happy in it. And that made me feel like a total fucking failure. It’s happened mostly over the last four years, not an insignificant time if you consider that I’ve really only been on my journey of self love for the last six years or so, but it’s only recently that I’ve been able to pinpoint what it was that was making me unhappy and why I felt like that.
You see, in the beginning I had focused on loving my body as it was. And then I thought I’d gotten to the point where I was mostly comfortable with things and I could stop. That I didn’t have to work at it anymore. I’d run the race, gotten the t-shirt and now it was time to move on to something else. Right?
Wrong. It turns out that our bodies are ever changing, and that means that the journey of self love I talked about? That needs to be a constant. It’s not enough just to embrace 28 year old Meagan because 34 year old Meagan is different. I’ve grown older; my body size has fluctuated, both fatter and thinner; my body shape has changed; I have stretchmarks and scars and wrinkles that weren’t there before.
I haven’t really talked about this, but over the last few years when I was unwell with the tumour in my knee and the issues associated with that, I felt really let down by my body. Partly because for so long I didn’t know what was wrong, or how to fix it. My analytical mind didn’t have a solution because it didn’t understand the problem, I just knew that something wasn’t right. I guess I felt let down by the fact that my body was no longer able to do things in the way it used to, and so I decided to start appreciating my body for what it could do instead of focusing on what it couldn’t. As I’ve been recovering post-surgery (it’s been just over a year) I’ve gotten well again and my body has gone through further changes. I’ve started to be able to do things again that I haven’t been able to for a long time; I’ve had to learn ways of adapting how I do other things; parts of my body have changed in shape, in size, in flexibility … and still some days I feel like my body fails me. It’s weak, it hurts, there are limitations on what I can do, it looks different to how it used to…
It’s kind of only recently that I’ve realised that this state of change is constant, and I feel like I’ve had a lightbulb moment in understanding this (as silly as it might sound). There is no finish line for self love. You don’t reach a magic age, a magic weight, check off some boxes or run through a ribbon. You just keep going.
We talk about loving yourself and showing yourself kindness no matter what you look like, regardless of weight, of age, of wealth, of ability, but we don’t talk enough about what happens when something changes.
And inevitably there will be changes. Pregnancy is a big one, I know lots of parents who have struggled with the changes to their body during pregnancy and afterwards. Sickness, fluctuations in weight (whether intentional or unintentional), injury and ageing are all things that bring changes in us as well. So how do you find peace with your body when it’s in a constant state of change? For me, understanding that self love is a journey rather than a destination has helped. It’s okay that there are some days when I really struggle, because that’s just one day in my journey and I know that regardless of how I feel about myself on any given day the practice of being kind and compassionate to myself is still important to my overall wellbeing in the long run.
I’m sure some of you are thinking at this point “cool story Meagan, but when are you going to answer the question? How do you find and practice that self love when your body is changing and maybe you don’t like it?”. Well I have to admit that I don’t really have a definitive answer for that – I’m still figuring it out. What I can share with you is my approach, and some rules I’ve set out for myself
1. Accept that my body is going to change – sometimes I will like those changes and sometimes I won’t, but this is the body I have right now
2. No saying mean things to myself or about my body
3. Even if I do nothing else today I need to take my meds, wash my face, drink some water and get dressed. I am not a failure if that is all I achieve today
4. Stop comparing myself to other people – whether it’s how I look or what my body can do
5. If people I follow are sharing things that make me feel crap about myself, unfollow them
6. Do something nice for myself every day, because I am worth treating well
I’m now focusing a bit less on loving myself and more on just existing with the body I have (however that might look/feel), and appreciating it as is. More of a body neutrality with the occasional vague admiration from afar, I guess? Self love might come later (or not), all I need at the moment is a bit of peace within myself. So if you’re having a tough time with changes or the idea of loving your bod doesn’t resonate with you, that’s totally okay – me too. Let’s just take each day as it comes and be kind to ourselves.
Have you struggled when your body has changed?
What has helped you to accept those changes?
This is a great post Meagan, and one I 110% identify with.
I put on 30 kilos during my pregnancy with my son last year, and while *I* felt okay, those feelings of relative self-content eventually evaporated as just about everyone around me commented on my changing shape: “whoa, you are STACKING the weight on!” “Yikes, you should maybe think about cutting out the bread, eh?” “I don’t remember ever gaining that much with MY son…”, “are you sure you’re not carrying triplets?!”
Of course, it only became worse once I’d actually had him, and didn’t magically “transform back”: “have you thought about joining Weight Watchers?” “Maybe you should try one of those juice fasts?” “It’s probably because you didn’t breastfeed; if you’d breastfed him, maybe you would have lost the weight.” Even as recently as last week, 13 months since giving birth, a lady in a store asked me – clearly thinking I was pregnant – “did you see the maternity range over there?” It’s hard; I’ve learned that even if YOU don’t hate yourself (and the way you look), the world, at times, can do a pretty fine job at doing it for you.
I don’t have any solutions; rather, I’m just trying to be kind to myself. I mean, I’m definitely not the same person now that I was at 25, so why should I expect that my body will be, either?!
Thanks Corrine, it’s amazing how many other people feel the need to make comments about our bodies isn’t it? Feels like it never ends sometimes. Glad to hear that you’re trying to be kind to yourself xx
Thank you for putting into words what I’ve been struggling to identify – I was okay with my body, albeit the desire to be thin is always there, but recently I’ve just… I don’t know. Stopped looking at it in any positive light. I am ashamed of it and as a result, myself. I’d never thought to consider that I need to like my body as it is now, as a 33 year old who works too much and for whom gravity may be beginning to have an effect. Thank you.
Time to start brushing away that shame and letting yourself shine Lisette. Your body will change many times throughout your life so we’re always going to need to adjust with that. PS Gravity is definitely having an effect on me too haha
Often with the changes come other things that our bodies have achieved. Celebrating the fact our bodies have enabled those achievements helps me.
Great post Meagan! Self love is hard work.
Thanks Donna, it sure is! x
Thanks for this. I’ve been in a really good place the last few years. But I noticed I gained a lot of weight last spring and a spend the summer as an anxious mess. Having social anxiety over what others would think or do when I go to the pool in my bikini or show my backfat.
I am also an anxious mess! Not over my body, but other stuff. Weirdly I’ve become less concerned about what others *might* think (and reality is they won’t even notice because they’re too busy worrying about their own shit) and more mad at my body for changing, which in a way is harder because I know it is all in my control about how I see myself and how I deal with those changes. Body stuff, it’s hard all round! I hope you find some time to enjoy the sunshine this summer Marie xx