It’s really easy to make negative throwaway comments about yourself, whether it’s how smart you are, how you look without makeup or your body. I notice it all the time, I overhear in dressing rooms, at the beach, and see it on social media. I notice it most in summer, when you have a combination of the pressure of having a bikini body and all the “New Year, New Me” diet nonsense being thrown at you. Babes, we need to stop the negative self talk, we need to stop putting ourselves down!
It doesn’t seem like much when you say it once, but we never do, do we? We tell ourselves these things over and over, throughout the day, reinforcing the belief that we are not good enough, worthless, stupid, ugly, too much of something, not enough of another. We pick our looks apart in front of the mirror, we call ourselves stupid for forgetting to grab that important piece of paper on our way out of the house, we tell ourselves that our hair is too frizzy, our arms too wobbly, our stomachs too fat. We aren’t clever enough, we’re too frumpy, no one will ever love us.
Imagine having someone following you around, saying those things, over and over again. Criticising your every move. Just when you wanted to go swimming, saying, “no way Fatty, you can’t do that. No one wants to see that body in a swimsuit”. If someone actually did that I’d turn around and give them a bloody piece of my mind! But you know what I realised? I did that to myself for years. I was my own inner Mean Girl. I know a lot of you are the same too, because I’ve seen the way you talk about yourselves online and I’ve overheard you in changing rooms, and I think you deserve better!
When you hear these internal messages all the time, you start to believe them. You start to think it’s true, that you can’t go swimming because of how you look. That you don’t stand a chance of getting your dream job or passing that test because you’re not smart enough. That you are unlovable. That you are not enough.
It’s not just you though – other people start to believe those messages too. Imagine you’re at the beach with your kids, your friends kids, your nieces and nephews, any of the young people in your life. If you “can’t go swimming” because of what your body looks like, you’re telling them that they might not be able to go swimming if they have fat legs or a round stomach or whatever it is that you’re worrying about. You’re telling them that people with fat legs / a round stomach / whatever deserve to be left out, to be treated differently. It might not affect them right now, but trust me – it’s something that they will hold on to.
As kids, we learn an awful lot from our parents and the other people around us – how to treat ourselves, how others should treat us, how we should treat others, how we should treat our partners, our friends, our own kids … Now that I am a stepmama to a teenager, I am determined that I will not teach him that there is anything shameful about his body, about my body, about his dad’s body, about any body. I want him to feel confident in what he does and who he is, and not to feel like he can’t give things a go. I don’t want him to grow up feeling crap about himself the way I did, and I sure as hell don’t want him to be like the bullies I encounter on a regular basis either, the ones who leave nasty comments on photos or make snide comments in the hallways at school. I want him to be someone who encourages people to join in, not to let themselves miss out.
Image via chibird
I know it’s not as easy as saying “don’t feel shit about your body” or “think positive”. If you’ve been thinking negative things about yourself, then those messages are pretty ingrained in there, and that’s not going to change overnight. It took me a really long time to unlearn that way of thinking and even now there are some days when even I fall prey to the negative self talk! So instead, when I catch myself thinking or saying negative things about myself, I stop and think “is that really true?” or “would I say that to my bestie?”. No way!
Make a list of the things that are true. The things you think are great about you, about your body, the things you’re really good at. Ask your friends, your family, your partner if you have to! Remind yourself of them often, carry them with you if you have to and read them when you feel shitty. When you think or say something negative about yourself, counteract that with something positive about yourself. Changing the messages we hear about ourselves is a great way to start changing that cycle of negative self talk.
Let’s begin now: I want you to tell me one thing you think is really awesome about yourself.
It could be anything, just make sure it’s positive!
I really needed this post this morning. My husband is always telling me how hard I am on myself, but until recently I didn’t realize just how horrible I am to myself.
I like and appreciate my skin. It shows the story of my life botg good and bad. Scars from self harm, tattoos, stretch marks from my pregnancy.
Iām glad this post spoke to you Catherine. Sometimes we can be our own worst critics, I hope that changes for you xx
Hey Meagan! I love your blog and what you’re doing with it. We need more people in the world (and New Zealand) like you š
Thanks Rowan!
I have a big heart and I am cute faced chubby waist. (Lol) I love spending time with my family and i love to cook. This article hit home to me glad my husband shared this.I was just shopping yesterday and i always go to lane bryant and my go to girl was helping me pick clothes out and I said that’s not gonna work I am to Fat.she gave me a long talk about love my curves etc she went on to tell me long as you happy who cares what others say.with this said I went out the box and my hubby will be happy when he comes home from deployment. Thanks for sharing this article Meagan kerr
Good article, Meagan. I like my smile and I love my laugh – it really does make other people smile with me.
Can I add, we should also try to have the confidence to tell other people when we like something about them. I mean, stop someone on the street or in the coffee shop and tell them when you think they look good. I’ve done this for years, just telling someone if I like their hair or their earrings or shoes or whatever. Most people just light up to hear something nice from a stranger.
And please, when someone says it to us, let’s agree we’ll accept the compliment graciously, not say, “No, I don’t.[whatever]”. They don’t know us, they have nothing to gain by lying to us, they wouldn’t say it if they didn’t really think it.
The other day, I had just stepped off an escalator when two women behind me stopped me and admired my dress. They were really taken with it, and when the conversation finished one concluded with, “You must feel like a million dollars in that dress”. I really do like the dress, but you can bet I liked it even more after that! She had made my day, and I told her so. I’m in my late 40s, that invisible age, so it was particularly striking.
And you know the best thing… I was on my way to a first coffee date with a guy I met online dating. How amazing that two total strangers should give me such a huge confidence boost at a time like that!
I hope I can do the same for someone else.
Yes to all of this! Giving compliments (and receiving them graciously) is something we all need to do more of š
I went shopping with my mum recently and it was so nice to be the positive voice telling her she looked great. My mum has a seriously critical eye when she looks at herself . I convinced her to get two tops that actually show her shape (and looked fab) and now I just have to hope she wears them!
That’s awesome Tiffiny!
Great article Meagan! I think my upper and lower body is awesome, strong and shapely. I am working on loving my belly, but I am sure it will come just as I have with the rest of my body.
Thank you Meagan for helping myself and so many to love ourselves.
Thanks Aimee! You make a good point – loving yourself doesn’t come all at once. There are parts of my body that I learned to loved earlier than others, that’s for sure!
I can make people feel comfortable about themselves.
I love this!
I am really amazing at taking other people into account. When people have a bad day, I’m good at spoiling them with their favourite thing and that makes me feel good about myself. Physically, I have an amazing nose and my freckles are awesome.
Hurray! That is three things that you can add to your list of positive self talk!
I love my legs! They’re a gorgeous shape, I have defined calves and nice ankles. I’m not afraid to wear shorts or knee length skirts and I don’t give a fright about cellulite!
I mean FRIG of course … damn you autocorrect!
Heck yes! High five for you Charlotte.
Amen! I work in the health and fitness industry, and with a background in media this negative self talk attitude is such a culture issue. I recently made the move to being a yoga teacher and there was so much in the classes about self love and self acceptance but that was two years of training and I still catch myself with throwaway negative self talk! Time, practice and patience all help (and the awareness that you’re doing it!)
It really is a cultural issue, and I think we owe it to ourselves to do better. It wasn’t until I started working in the fashion and beauty industry that I realised how problematic it is.
Good article Meagan. I was looking at myself in my nightie last night and I was thinking…Who says that this body isn’t just right? What is wrong with curved shoulders, rolls and generous thighs? Viewing my body, first with a neutral eye and then a free and appreciative one. There are so many filters that we can look through when we look at our bodies. Most of the filters we didn’t even ask for and have been handed down to us like a vase we don’t want but feel bad about getting rid of.
So perhaps we need a declutter of all out inherited filters and go shopping for new ones that suit us better, or, be brave and go #nofilter on ourselves and view our bodies without judgement
Yes! I love the way you worded that. Sometimes even viewing with a neutral eye (much less an appreciative one) is hard, but taking off those filters and recognising them for what they are makes a big difference.