Fat Shaming and Family

A lot of people find the holidays incredibly stressful for many reasons, and one of those is the time they spend with family. If loving your body or finding body peace/neutrality wasn’t hard enough, the added influx of body negativity from others makes it doubly hard. Comments about weight gain/loss, equating weight and health, comments about food eaten/not eaten, diet talk, negative comments about our bodies, fat shaming … it’s exhausting. I’ve got a few ways of dealing with this, not just for the holidays but all year round, so I thought I’d share them with you – let me know if you’ve got anything to add.

MY EXPERIENCE

I would say that at least 75% of how I felt about my body growing up was learned from family members. Sometimes this was through comments about my body, and sometimes this was other people commenting on their own bodies or about other people. Rarely were positive things said about fat bodies, it was more likely to be snide comments about clothing choices, fat people as punchlines or diet talk. Oh the diet talk, that shit is never ending. Food moralising, praise for weight loss or negative comments about weight gain, talking about whatever boring as fuck diet Susan is on now that she goes on and on and on about…

I’ve gotta say, it’s uncomfortable as fuck hearing people you love talking about your body or bodies like yours with disdain. It made me feel shit about myself, made even the brightest of occasions ones I wanted to escape and it was eventually a big contributor to me developing an eating disorder.

Lots of therapy and immersing myself in a world of fat positive and body positive influences has made me go, “hold up, wait a minute, I deserve so much better than this!”. No longer do I sit uncomfortably as people talk about someone else’s weight gain or loss, I call them out and tell them that it’s unnecessary to discuss other people’s bodies. If someone makes a comment about my body, I shut that shit down. I’ve developed a zero tolerance for bullshit with my family (and everyone else too, but I’m talking more specifically about family here because I know that is something people struggle with especially around the holidays).

My approach is that if you’re gonna be an asshole to me, I’m not going to spend time with you until you learn to do better (and I follow through on this, there are family members I have had nothing to do with for years because of how they treat me). I know this isn’t the approach for everyone and it can be hard – especially when it’s family – but I think I deserve to spend my time with people who love and support me, not ones who make me feel shit about my body. And yeah I’m sure they’re “well meaning” and don’t actually intend their constant digs to be nasty (well, some of them might), but between the many microaggressions and the out and out hostile treatment we experience on a regular basis it’s just tiring and I figure that if I wouldn’t be prepared to put up with this from random strangers then I shouldn’t have to just because I’m related to someone.

DEALING WITH FAMILY WHO BODY SHAME YOU

Okay, so what you’re probably here for is practical tips right? Ways to deal with family body shaming you or the ongoing microaggressions? Here’s a few from me, but I would love for you to leave any others in the comments.

Let them know that what they’re doing or saying is hurting you/is rude/is inappropriate. I’m usually pretty nice about this to begin with and call it out in a lighthearted way, but my patience gets pretty thin with repeat offenders and if I’ve had to tell someone more than a couple of times that it’s not okay to make comments about other people’s bodies/that my body is not up for discussion then I’m probably (definitely) going to get a bit more stroppy about it. All people deserve respect but not those who repeatedly disrespect me.

Tell them to mind their own business. If Great Aunt Alice is making comments specifically about you, feel free to tell her to mind her own business. Whether I’ve lost or gained weight, whether I’m eating potatoes (I probably am, potatoes are delicious), or whether I’m going in for a second helping of dessert is none of her damn business. Pipe down and pass the spuds please.

Change the subject. When someone starts talking about their latest diet, ask them about their dog. When someone mentions how “bad” they’re being by eating a certain food or how “good” they’re being by not having dessert, ask your brother how school is going. When someone praises your sister’s weight loss or mentions that you could stand to lose a few pounds, make a comment about the weather. I have a twofold reason for doing this – firstly, it shows that I am interested in talking about literally anything else (especially if it’s your dog) and secondly, it shifts the conversation to another topic. Because diet talk is fucking boring and no one cares. Just stop.

Walk away. When Susan starts yawping on about her diet or how much weight she’s lost, or someone starts making “helpful” suggestions about your body, sometimes I walk away. Often after rolling my eyes and sighing. I do this for a couple of reasons – firstly because I don’t want to be around those discussions and secondly because the constant microaggressions make me so angry that I need a moment to cool down so I don’t shout at someone. Yes I have done this before, I’m sure you’re not surprised.

Stop spending time with them. This is a really hard one, and definitely more of a long term plan. I’ve had family members (one in particular) say so many horrible things to and about me over the years that now I don’t see them. They continued to treat me badly despite me asking them to stop discussing my body and making nasty comments about me, so for my own mental health I’ve had to cut them off. I don’t have anything to do with them and on the rare occasion that I do have to see them at a family event I try to avoid them as much as possible. I deserve better and so do you!

THINGS TO REMEMBER

It’s not about you.The things other people say about your body (and about fat bodies in general) usually have very little to do with you and a whole lot to do with them. Their fears, their own insecurities, their relationship with their own body and their fat phobia – that is something that only they can deal with.

Surround yourself with body positive influences. This is important to do year round, but I think sometimes we need to remind ourselves over the holidays when we are experiencing a bit more of it. Take a look at who your body image influencers and who you’re giving emotional real estate to. Go through the people you’re following online and unfollow people who make you feel bad about your body (and make sure you follow people who make you feel good!). Check out some body positive hashtags to help you find new people.

No really, what about your health? From what a lot of you have told me, this is something that you hear on a regular basis. It’s often used online (and I’m sure by many family members) who have no actual investment in your health, they use this as a cover up for the fact that they actually just don’t like fat people. Well guess what – fat shaming and fat stigma contributes to decreased physical and mental well-being for fat people. If they actually cared about your health, they would also care about your mental health. Besides which, health is not a moral obligation and no matter what your health status is, you still deserve to feel safe and loved, to eat food, and to enjoy time with your family.

I hope you enjoy the holidays, however you spend them.
If you have any tips for dealing with family and fat shaming, please share them in the comments!