It’s not very often that I find myself lost for words, but I have tried to write this post so many times and found myself struggling. I’ve written it and rewritten it more than a hundred times over the last few months. I’ve procrastinated and stopped and started, and that’s how I know that this post needs to be written. Because if it’s hard for me to talk about it then chances are it’s going to be hard for other people to talk about as well, and I firmly believe that we need to shine light into dark corners. We need to talk about things that are horrible and uncomfortable and challenging – like being bullied.
We have a real bullying culture in New Zealand, and often we don’t talk about this kind of thing – did you know that we have some of the worst rates of school bullying in the world? And the world’s second highest rate of workplace bullying? That’s not something we should be proud of, it’s a problem we need to do something about.
My bully
I don’t really know her, I’ve only met her in passing a couple of times, but she reminds me of one of the girls from Mean Girls. She’s spread rumours about me, I’ve had people coming to ask me if they’re true. She’s gotten people to pretend to be my friend while they’re actually spying on the things I do and reporting back to her (to be honest that one is a little weird, because I’m really not that interesting, I mostly just hang out with my friends and family, play board games and shop on the internet a whole bunch) – I know this because one of those people developed a conscience after realising that she was bullying me and others, and sent me screenshots of their conversation. She tells people (ones I don’t know) horrible stories about me, and when they meet me they’re surprised that I’m nothing like how she has described me. I’m not the only person she’s targeted, I know a few people who have been bullied and intimidated by her. I see people tripping over themselves to fawn over her, and it frustrates me to no end. I want to shout to the world that she’s a nasty horrible person but truth is that she is really good at pretending she is sweet as pie in public. Behind closed doors is a different story.
You might think I’m writing about a memory of something that happened at high school, but it’s not. This is something that I’ve been dealing with over the last couple of years, I’m in my 30’s. It’s like Regina George from Mean Girls, but the adult version. My bully is someone who works in my industry, which is very small in our country.
It’s made me feel really isolated. My workplace as a blogger is a bit different, because we share online space rather than an office, but we do often have to attend the same functions and work with the same people. Sometimes I avoid going to events if I know that she will be attending. When I walk into a room and see her there, it’s like my anxiety sneaks up and wallops me with a baseball bat. I’ve become really good at pretending she’s not there when I’m in the same room as her. I’ve had to distance myself from people who are friends with her so that I don’t have to see her on social media (or in person) and in an especially crushing move, one person who was a friend of mine and knows about her bullying me has now become friends with her. I know people who have spoken out about their own experiences being bullied who are close friends with her. I don’t know who I can trust any more, and it makes me feel so alone.
Dealing with bullying
A lot of the time I’ve felt ashamed to talk about this, like it’s somehow my fault or that I should be confronting her head on. It reminds me of being bullied at school, it brings all those horrible feelings rushing back. And now, it’s not like I can tell the teacher or my parents and get it to stop. I feel like if I speak out about it, maybe people wouldn’t believe me, or would think that I’m saying these things for attention, because she has tens of thousands of followers on social media (which is why I haven’t mentioned her name here, because I’m afraid of backlash from them, something I’ve seen happen to more than one person or business after they’ve dared to stand up to her) – so many people really do think that she is a lovely person. How can someone so “nice” be a bully? That’s not what a bully looks like, the smiling girl who shares her life on social media, right? Wrong. She might be nice to many people, but to me she’s the reason I’ve considered giving up blogging more than once, just so I don’t have to see her any more.
I’m writing this because today is Pink Shirt Day, a day when people stand together to speak out against bullying. Bullying seems to be all too common, which means that chances are some of you will have experienced it as well. I don’t want other people to feel like I’ve felt, and I want you to know that if you’ve been bullied, whether you’re 13 or 33, I love you and I believe you.
I refuse to let my bully make me feel isolated or scared any more. When people sing her praises to me I’m not going to be afraid of telling them what my real experience is. I can no longer be friends with people who choose to be her friend while knowing that she’s bullied me. I’m surrounding myself with people who support me, who don’t condone her bullying behaviour. I’ve reached out for help, and I’m getting it. I’ve taken steps to protect myself (there are some good tips here – aimed at school age people but adaptable for any age), and if you or someone you love is being bullied I will leave a bunch of links below so that you can get help too.
I don’t have any miraculous advice to stop bullies, or ways to deal with bullies, and in some ways I feel like a fraud writing this because I feel like I haven’t coped well in my own situation. I’m actually shaking as I go to publish this post, because writing it has dredged up so many horrible feelings. It’s like reliving every separate incident at once. If you’ve been bullied, at any time in your life, I’m sending you lots of hugs right now. It’s a shitty thing to go through, no matter how old you are. Please don’t be afraid to shine light into those dark corners, and talk about your experience here if you need to.
Here are some more links if you need to get help:
• Lifeline – 0800 543 354
• Depression Helpline – 0800 111 757
• Healthline – 0800 611 116
• Samaritans – 0800 726 666
• Suicide Crisis Helpline – 0508 828 865 (0508 TAUTOKO). This is a service for people who may be thinking about suicide, or those who are concerned about family or friends.
• Mental Health Foundation – mentalhealth.org.nz
• Youthline – 0800 376 633 and you can also text 234 for free between 8am and midnight.
• Outline – 0800 688 5463 (0800 OUTLINE). This is a service for LGBTIQ+ Kiwis who need help or advice.
• 0800 WHATSUP – 0800 9428 787 and whatsup.co.nz. This service is for kids and teens.
• Kidsline – 0800 543 754. This service is for children aged 5 to 18.
• Your local Rural Support Trust – 0800 787 254 (0800 RURAL HELP)
Awww 🙁
I’ve just read this post for the first time and I’m so glad you’ve written it. I’ve experienced bullying at school, in workplaces and more recently in an online community and you’re right – it’s SO weird, especially for me when it’s done in a low-key way so it seems fine everywhere else in the public view online with her comments but then on the private messages I’ve experienced, this person clearly has something out for me. So I say meh…we’re no longer “friends” online and when I see her in person I’m going to pretend she doesn’t exist. I didn’t know her before hand, so there’s no need to award her with any of my feels now I’ve made up my mind about the fact that I don’t like the way she interacts with me. All the love and support for you and I hope you’re feeling stronger about all of this now. Big love!
I don’t know how someone can be so, cold and manipulative and feel pleased with themselves. How do they sleep at night, knowing they are lying and causing hurt to someone deliberately.
It use to be said, that people that act like that are having trouble at home or are being bullied themselves. I don’t always believe that is the case, some people are just very very nasty people inside and out.
I do not sleep at night knowing I have done something very minor with my work by accident, let alone tormenting someone deliberately.
Sending be hugs to you Meagan xoxo
Thanks Fiona. I’ve seen her do horrible things to other people too, so I think she’s just a really nasty person.
I’ve been bullied in the workplace by people my age (I left the job), and also by a teenager less than half my age who turned his attention to me after I intervened when he bullied my son. How helpless does that make you feel! He was eventually expelled from the school but we still see him about. Like your bully…he was very popular in some quarters while other people were terrified of him.
My work place bullies told extraordinary lies about me and sabotaged my work. When I was out for lunch they told me I’d missed a call that my finance had been seriously injured in a car crash. Not true. They told everyone I’d had an abortion after a fling and it took me weeks to find out why everyone was being so odd around me. Again not true. I became convinced I was the problem rather than the sick people making up stuff about me.
What I will say is that following the advice to ignore bullies did not help my son or me. What helped my son was fighting back..against the physical attacks and verbal ones. They moved onto easier targets (God help smaller people) 🙁
For me…I constantly reported that feral teenager to the school and police until something was done but my God it’s hard to convince people. I resorted to buying a voice recorder, and storing posts I found about me on social media to show them. But I felt so pathetic recording him.
We found that people befriend the bully because they’re afraid of becoming the target. Most of them I imagine, except the school bully had a gang of like minded minions too.
In the work place…leaving was the only option, but 30 years on I still feel sick thinking about it all and feeling I let them win.
I wish I could say something helpful and I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. I’m going to say something controversial and that is I don’t believe all bullies are jealous and have low self esteem. Sometimes the opposite is true and they really do believe they are Gods and you are the worms beneath their feet. In the sake of the teenager that was true.
I think there are some people who have something wrong with them and cannot be reasoned with or made to understand.
I was told once by a shrink that in thinking about them and what they did you are giving your bully/attacker the power to hurt you again and again. Only by putting them completely out of your mind can you win. Easier said than done when it’s continuing.
I really feel for you, and want to join the others in saying what a lovely woman you are and how much I enjoy your blog.
Thanks for sharing your experiences Liz, they both sound bloody horrible and kudos to you for making it through that tough time. I think you’re right when you said they have something wrong with them – well adjusted people do NOT behave like that! xo
This sucks and you are a good person and don’t deserve it! I hope that writing about it for your supportive community is helpful!
Thanks Bill, talking about it definitely helps
Hi Meagan, I’m sorry this happened to you. I was the target of workplace bullying and decided to go the formal complaint route. It was not easy because it meant I had to confront her about her behaviour. Luckily I had a supportive manager and robust work processes – tools I know you didn’t have access to.
After a gruelling 3 hour interview with an investigator she told me something valuable. She said all bullies are either jealous of you or threatened by you. And it’s true. And they are the nut jobs. My one posted fake reviews of her holiday home using my name!
Kia kaha.
That sounds really intense, I’m sorry you had to go through that but glad you were able to make a formal complaint and have it investigated. How bizarre that she posted fake reviews of her holiday home using your name, yikes!
I am really sorry to here this Meagan! I was bullied terribly in the workplace until the person finally left. It got so bad I was afraid to go to work and caused me severe anxiety. I hope that one of the blogs I read is not that of your bully. Stay strong and be the confident you that we all know you are.
I appreciate you posting this because it is a very real sad occurrence every day to both children and adults alike. So sad that anyone with an ounce of compassion for their fellow humans will resort to this kind of abuse. Prayers for you!
I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve experienced bullying too Beth, it really does have a massive impact on us, doesn’t it? xo
Bullying is unnecessary and disgusting.
You and I spoke about this situation a little while ago and I’ll say the same as I did back then. People are dicks. They behave in unacceptable ways and think its ok because society does nothing to stamp it out.
It takes incredibly brave and honest people (like yourself and the others who share their story) to really make a difference. I’m glad you’ve put this story into words and shared it so public where it could absolutely help someone directly or indirectly. Well done, Meagan, it’s never easy to share this type of thing with others.
Thanks Sam xo
Meagan this is so, so, so horrible. I’m so sorry you have to go through this. Please let me know if there’s every anything I can do to help, and just know that you are a strong, marvellous woman who is an inspiration to MANY. Thank you for talking about your experiences and making others feel less alone xx
Shit, I’m so sorry to hear this Meagan. What a tragic human being she must be to spend so much of her energy being a shit to you (and probably others). Massive hugs. xx
Thank you for this post, you are really brave to reveal some of what you have been through. I was bullied through-out my childhood and teenage years, resulting in me hating school and finding it incredibly difficult to make friends. In adulthood, I find it difficult to trust women in general and prefer the company of a handful of genuine people.
A few years ago I was bullied in the workplace, resulting in me quitting the role after having been there for almost 7 years. The woman was very particular in making sure everyone thought she was as sweet as honey but behind the backs of those she didn’t like, all hell broke lose. It felt like high school all over again. Some days I’d be stunned and hurt that people just didn’t grasp what she was up to, as she literally tried to undermine everything I had built up in my career. One day a temp worker walked in and picked up on her behaviour within a few minutes – I felt totally vindicated. I believe at the end of the day she was jealous as she hadn’t excelled the same way I had, and putting me down was a way to make herself feel better. I am still doing far better in my career than she ever has, and I like to think quality talks. You can’t keep a good woman down!
Meagan, I hate to think I might be following the person on social media who is doing this to you. All you can do is keep doing what you’re doing and lifting the lid on this epidemic – which it literally is. Bullying sucks!
Sorry to hear you’ve experienced this as well Shirley! I think you nailed it when you said “I believe at the end of the day she was jealous as she hadn’t excelled the same way I had, and putting me down was a way to make herself feel better” – I think that’s the case here. I’ve been told that she sees me as a real threat, and instead of that inspiring her to do her job better, she’s turned her attention to making my life a misery instead.
You are not the only one that can’t trust women in general-and for the same reason!
Ugh, grown adults pulling this crap makes me SO angry. If you don’t like someone, then leave them alone, don’t spend all your time and energy on harassing them.
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with an adult bully. I have dealt with one myself and it was a nightmare. I think it might have even been worse than the childhood bullying I suffered.
There is a LOT of bullying and bullshit in fat/fatshion communities. I could name and shame several.
Right? Ugh.
Thanks for your support Kath, it means a lot xx
Wow! It never ceases to amaze me how some people never leave that “high school” mentality. How sad she is. She will never know authentic friendship or companionship. She will end up a lonely old lady.
Where as you my darling will always be surrounded by people who love and care for you. As you are beautiful inside and out! Due to your open and honest words you have friends whom have never met you in the flesh but have a connection with you nonetheless. Keep shining your beautiful light!
One of my favourite quotes:
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
Elenor Roosevelt
Hugs!!! <3
Thanks for your support Angela ❤️
So sorry this has happened to you Meagan :(. The fact she would even bully someone as lovely as you speaks volumes about her character. We definitely need to speak about bullying more in NZ. It shouldn’t just have one designated day. x
Thanks Sophie ❤️ I agree that we need to talk about this more, the amount of people who have commented or messaged me today to say that they’ve been bullied as well is heartbreaking. We need to talk about it often and let people know that this kind of thing is not okay.
That person must be horribly insecure and lacking in moral integrity to think it is okay to target other people in such nasty ways. I met someone just like that and at first thought she was a really amazing go-getter and super at supporting others. Then I started to hear from many credible sources that she had been nasty to them. I don’t understand why people behave like she does, but I am sorry she targeted such a lovely person as you. You are beautiful and kind and insightful and altruistic. Keep being you. Let your shiny self be the light filling the dark spaces, so that the shadows disappear. What you do here on your blog and in the wider industry is important, soulful and significant. Shine on Meagan.
Thanks Rachel ❤️ Yes it is that same person, I know she’s had a lot of people fooled (and has also targeted other people). She must really have some issues going on, I agree x
Oh how I empathise with you, Meagan. The bullies started on me aged 5 (an only child of older parents who was inevitably spoilt). It started with twin boys in the neighbourhood. By age 10 I was on valium to get enough courage to go to school. Emotionally I was broken.
Then, as I aged, it was the turn of teenage girls to intimidate and bully me. One of these girls got it into her mind that I was trying to ‘steal’ her boyfriend away from her. I wasn’t, but that didn’t matter to her. This particular girl managed to round up a lynch mob at college and I was given a nasty hiding and stayed off school for weeks.. More medication was required for me to stay sane and carry on.
All of this made me very determined to rise above everything that was being dished out to me but underneath I was very unhappy and loathe to trust my peers. So, I began associating with people much older than my tender years. This was a blessing in some ways but a curse in others.
Decades on, when I thought my days as a victim of bullying and intinidation were over, I was struck with it again. Now in my late 50’s it was somewhat of a surprise to become a victim again. This time, in the workplace, the tag team working against me were much more cunning than what I had ever experienced before and their MO was, for the most part to operate behind my back. They had a ‘go’ at head-on intimidation at first but failed to gain any traction so they needed to find another method. The damage they did was insidious and my boss was nieve enough to believe all that was said until one day he finally ‘woke up’ and slowly began to see that the things I had been telling hm were not the stuff of an over-active, paranoid (the bosses word) imagination. After a miserable few months all is good again.
I feel so fortunate that my issue is now resolved. Today, when I head off to this workplace I do so with a smile and a spring in my step.
Unfortunately, like you, I don’t have any silver bullets to fix the problem of bullying either. I wish I did, but like domestic violence, I believe that real progress will onyl be made when the weight of societal change demands it by making the behaviour totally unacceptable. Talking about the subject and publicising it using the likes of Pink Shirt day are useful steps toward change, IMO. The journey has to begin somewhere.
Just one more thing – I really believe that those that bully and intimidate are usually lacking their own personal self-esteem and need to act as they do to make themelves feel good/superior to others. In most cases the victim has much more strength of character than the perpetrator of the bullying. Having the fortitude to stand up and face the bully certainy proves that in your case, Meagan.
A line from a Joe South song always stays with me. It really makes me think before I speak because words and actions really can hurt others, be it deliberately or inadvertently.
Walk a mile in my shoes. Just walk a mile in my shoes. Before you abuse, criticise and accuse, walk a mile in my shoes.
Kia Kaha, Meagan and thanks for raising the issue in public. xx
Thanks so much for sharing your story Lynne, it’s amazing how many people are affected by bullying. I’m so glad to hear that things at your work have been resolved, I’ve heard so many stories today about people being bullied at work and it makes me feel sick that often nothing happens and they get away with it.
The work that Alan Halse is doing with CultureSafe is bringing workplace bullying issues into the mainstream media on a regular basis. This has to be a good thing
lots of hugs your way Meagan! xxx keep being the beautiful human that you are & please PLEASE don’t ever give up blogging! you’re awesome! #fckthehaters #fuckbullies #bulliesSUCK #yourestrongerthnabullygirrrllll
Thanks babe xx
I have been bullied most of my life. People are horribly wretched human beings. I believe as a parent in teaching my children right from wrong and that it’s ok to be different, and to not ever make fun of or bully another person. I have to instill morals and teach them to just be a good person in general. Bullies only bully others to make themselves feel better, and the best response to their bullshit is to ignore it and not show that it bothers you. Obviously something isn’t right in her life that she feels the need to try to inflict pain and anguish on you. Fuck her! Don’t give her that power over you!!
I’m sorry you are having to go through this. I like to think that most people grow up and mature but obviously not everyone does. What a fool she is.
Oh hun, I’m sorry to hear that. Sending you lots of love. You’re right – it’s about power and making themselves feel bigger while making others feel small. She’s had power over me for too long and I refuse to let her have that any more.
Thanks for telling your story Meagan, as you say its important to shine a light on the stuff no one want to talk about. I think you were really brave writing this piece and it highlights that bullying is about how you are making someone else feel- its subjective not about truth/facts- you don’t need to prove the fact on if she is bullying you.
Thanks Laura xo
It never ceases to amaze me how truly horrible some people can be.
Meagan, you are amazing, you help people everyday to feel better about themselves and understand they are worth so much more than what our society tells them, dont ever forget how much you mean to so many of us out here!!
On top of that you are so lovely, smart and friendly plus you are a stone cold fox. Keep on doing you and screw that horrible woman! We bloody love you! xoxoxxo
Thanks so much Julia. All the lovely people who read my blog and have commented here and on my social media have been such an important part of getting me through this. I may not have talked about it until now, but knowing that y’all are here means a lot x